Gah.

I have this student. I'll call him Dean. He's a smart kid--witty and engaging. He contributes to class discussions, sometimes with an off-the-wall comment, but always something that turns out to be productive. But I just can't reach him. He's not a good writer, and I'm not entirely sure he's ready for this university, but I've reached more difficult cases before. I've had kids who didn't have his intelligence or personality become successful writers. Last week, I really thought I was making progress. He has turned in several assignments late, and wasn't going to get credit for one of them. I asked him to stay after class, but he left early. So I decided to email him. Four drafts later, I sent the email. He should be glad he didn't see that first draft! It was a little harsh. Heck, the fourth draft was still, shall we say, direct. He just isn't going to pass unless he pulls himself together. He stayed after class the next day and we had a chat. It went really well! He seemed to understand the stakes and why I wasn't pleased with his work so far. I also communicated to him how much I appreciated his contribution to our class. All in all, it was a very positive meeting. He assured me that he was going to make more of an effort, and like a rank amateur, I believed him.

The next week, he turned a final draft in that can only be described as gibberish. I'm not even sure what he was writing about, nor am I sure what assignment he was responding to. It certainly wasn't the one I wrote! It was so off-base that I couldn't even grade it (I've never had this problem before...not even when my high school seniors thought "Hank the Cow Dog" was fine literature). I wrote a note at the top, asking him to revise and resubmit for grading. I'm really upset. He's the kind of kid that isn't motivated by low grades or pep talks, and by the time I figured that out, it was halfway through the semester and he was already not doing well. I was really hoping that this was the paper where I could give him a somewhat higher grade, which might motivate him a little to finish out the semester strong.

He didn't show up to class today.

You know, I thought that teaching college would put some distance between me, my students, and their failures, but it hasn't. I still take it so personally. I teach. They learn. If I teach and they don't learn, was that teaching? Dean is the kind of kid who needs the opportunity education can provide him, and I desperately want him to take advantage of it. I'm without the "troops" I used to deploy as a middle/high school teacher--coaches, parents, principals...I feel like I've thrown him lifeline after lifeline and he'd just rather drown because grabbing hold is just too much effort. I hate it when one of my students chooses to fail. It makes me feel like I've failed.

Love. This.

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been moving, starting classes, and getting settled into life as a first-year Ph.D. student. Boy! What an adjustment it has been! It's a happy adjustment, but a big one nevertheless. I'm taking two graduate courses, one in grammar and one in linguistics, so I've been pretty inundated with "language talk," but it is absolutely fascinating. I'm learning so much about how we learn and teach language, and much of it I wish I had known as a schoolteacher. For example, this week in my linguistics course we learned about genre (in the linguistical sense, which is ever-so-slightly different than the normal sense), and the ways that we can find patterns in what we read. If I had known how to point these patterns out to my less fluent readers and had the tools to teach them how to look for those patterns in their reading, I really think it would have helped them understand what they read. It's also teaching me some interesting things about how we teach writing, but I'm still puzzling all of that out.

I LOVE my grammar class. I was very nervous about it, because I feel like I don't know much about the structure of (what I now know is called) prescriptive grammar, but the class is really about understanding patterns in the language and recognizing language change in progress as it is happening all around us. I've discovered some really interesting things about the history of grammar and dictionaries and English itself. I hated History of the English language in college, and now I can't wait to take it. Turns out? Split infinitives? Not even really an English grammar rule--it was actually a Latin grammar rule that some people decided to put in English because Latin was "smart." The professor is brilliant, and I'm really excited to go to class every day. I know. I'm a dork. It's okay. This is my job now--I finally figured out how to read for a living!

I'm also teaching one class of freshman-level writing. My students are smart, and they try hard, and they engage with me and our course materials. My only complaint is that class simply isn't long enough! I mean, it amazes me. I ask them to do work, which I have no intention of grading, but will add to their education. They know I have no intention of grading it, and yet they do it anyway. Stunning. I've never seen anything like it. Sometimes, I'm not quite sure how to respond. They're really great kids, too. The writing department at the school is very supportive and gave us some great training...the training was so good I wish I'd had it before I started teaching writing to high schoolers.

I still have moments when I experience what they call "imposter syndrome," but they're fewer and farther between. I've been invited to work on a pretty major project with my program director. It's a book series for a national organization, and it's going to be a lot of work, but my name will be on the title page! I've also found a fantastic church here, and joined their grad student/young professionals group. The people are so nice, and they're always doing something, which is awesome! I'm also (randomly) learning ballroom dance. Because everyone needs a hobby.

Soooo Intimidated

I've been thinking about (translation: putting off) writing my course description for about a month now, and when this week started I realized it was July already and officially time to do something about it. I gave myself a deadline of, well, today to complete the stupid thing. I know, I know, it's not stupid. I've just been so intimidated by the very idea of writing a course description for a college class that I honestly didn't know where to begin. Then I made the mistake of reading everyone else's. Not a good plan. I took a break, but eventually it just had to be written.

So, I'm done with it now, and I'm just not sure what I think about it. Compared to the others I read it's terribly simplistic--no academic jargon in sight--and I'm worried that if that's the norm mine is going to look childish. On the other hand, I need to be true to my identity as an educator, and I wholeheartedly believe simple is the way to go. My dad has always said that the mark of genius is not taking the simple and making it complex, but taking the complex and making it simple. I know this is the first thing my students will see, so I want to make sure they have an accurate understanding of what the course will be like. Yikes! Now I'm getting a little bit neurotic about it. So, here's what I will do. I'm going to post it below. If it sucks, please tell me now. It can still be changed. If it doesn't suck, I'd really like to know that too! The first paragraph is what I'm required to say. Everything else is all me.

This writing course focuses on the creation of complex, analytic, well-supported arguments that matter in academic contexts. Students work closely with their peers and the instructor to develop their written prose. Readings cover a variety of different genres and academic disciplines.

Simply put, the goal for this class is to help you become a better writer. We will accomplish this goal by exploring how "good" writers operate and how we develop arguments in an academic setting as we explore the theme "The Power of Words and Thought." You can expect to complete various small writing assignments and four formal essays during the course of the semester. You will need to prepare some out-of-class reading, and we will workshop our essays together as we focus on revision and the writing process. The culmination of the course will be your writing portfolio, where you will have the opportunity to showcase your best work.

So. There it is. I have something, even if only a rough draft (or, as many of my students in Texas called them, a "ruft draft"). I always tell my students that beginning is the hardest part, and I guess it's true today in more ways than one. This is really my first task as a Ph.D. student and I'm still not totally convinced that I have the skills to do this. Maybe once I build up some momentum I'll feel more like I can do this.

It's all over

My grandfather calls me a schoolteacher. I think it's a generational (or maybe regional?) thing, and it used to annoy me a little. I can't really explain why. Maybe because when I hear the word "schoolteacher" I flash to images of Laura Ingalls Wilder teaching on the prairie after finishing 8th grade. Which is, in no way, an insult to the late Mrs. Wilder. She happens to be one of my heros, but I digress. I guess the title bothered me because I felt it was a cutesy designation for what I feel should be a professional occupation. That's part of the problem with the profession--we get no respect!

Today, I'm rather glad that people have called me a schoolteacher, because it gives me a clear delineation for my life. I'll always be a teacher, whether I'm teaching university students or the children I have yet to birth (or incubate, come to think of it). But it's not looking like I'll ever be a schoolteacher again. We finished summer school today, and it was my last day of employment with the district. It's a sweetly sad feeling, saying goodbye to these four years as a public schoolteacher. The best way I can describe it is like if you had a distinct moment in time when you knew you were saying goodbye to your childhood--to clover chains and dress-up trunks and long summer afternoons running through the sprinkler. We don't often get to mourn the end of an era as it happens--most often we don't even realize it's over until much later. Today, I was blessed to have the opportunity to take a moment and say goodbye to four crazy-but-good years and a facet of myself. It's a good thing.

I'm getting incredibly excited. I received a letter last week from the university informing me that I've been awarded a fellowship I didn't even apply for, so that's good news. The summers that I was told were not funded now are! Hurray! Also, this upcoming year will be my only year as an instructor. After this, I'll be assigned duties as a research assistant. The letter mentioned that this would possibly bring opportunities to co-author papers with professors. As much as I love to teach, it's time to accept that I'm entering the world of academia and it's publish or perish from now on. There will still be some teaching each semester, but I think I'm good with this. I was very surprised to receive the letter, as I was unaware such a fellowship even existed, but it was a very, very happy surprise. I'm still a bit curious about what this will mean in regards to nitty gritty of day-to-day life.

Details are beginning to come together, and suddenly the vague wisp of an idea I had back in October is actually becoming reality. I have a pile of reading stacked on my desk, which is probably a preview of coming attractions for the next five years. I also need to somehow compose a course description for a composition class, which is more intimidating than it sounds, especially when I made the mistake of checking all the other instructors' descriptions. I'm actually leaning toward the slightly ironic, very modern description as follows: "In this course, you will become a better writer." Thoughts, anyone? Am I showing everyone that I'm an academic fraud and I don't belong if I go with that one? Or am I being an individual whose students can expect a simple, concise teaching style?

Seriously?

School is over? Really? I had great plans to lounge by the pool with my Nook (which, by the way, is the best piece of technology to ever enter my life), but Mother Nature had other ideas. Since when does it storm in the morning? Pool plans postponed.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm excited that school is over and I'm moving in the Fall, and I don't really know how to answer them. I'm teaching summer school, so I'm not really finished yet, and that's still in the back of my mind, but I guess the biggest feeling I have is anticipation. I'm anxious to begin this new phase of my life, but at the same time, it's a little scary. I feel at once happy to have more time with the people I care most about--and frustrated that these goodbyes are so drawn out. I'm still weeding out stuff...packing up for the move into one, furnished bedroom makes me feel like I'm 18 and headed off to college for the first time again. Those are warm fuzzy memories.

The times, they are a-changin'...but are they changing fast enough?

Finding Myself in the 4th Circle...

It's standardized testing season here in the South. Yay. That's right. Just 26 eighth graders and I (myself? My brain hurts too much for good grammar) in a stuffy room that smells like a skunk crawled up in it and died--for three hours. I decided sometime during the second day of testing that the Rapture could occur and I would never know. Why? Well, for two reasons. First, everyone in the building could leave and I would be oblivious. There's something so unnatural about a silent middle school, and there is literally no one in the halls except the principal and the guidance counselors. I believe there are some hall monitors stationed at strategic locations, but I never see them from my classroom. Once I close my door and the announcement comes on to start the test, it's as silent as the grave. No kids in the hall, no loudspeaker announcements, no one coming to the door wanting something...it's a little freaky. Then I started to think that I might miss the sounding of the celestial trumpet because I was in the 4th circle of hell. Seriously. Have you ever paced a room constantly monitoring students for three straight hours? No sitting. No reading. No grading. Just monitoring. Sometime during the first hour, I felt my IQ begin to drop. I just can't handle the monotony. Honestly, I would really rather take the test myself. At least it would keep my mind occupied...but we're not even allowed to see the test questions, so I can't even read over their shoulders! It's just not worth my teaching certificate to read the questions--I plan on keeping that even if I'm not going to be using it next year! Then I started to wonder who exactly dwells in Dante's 4th circle of hell and decided that I don't spend enough reading quality material if I don't remember that. I could look it up, but I currently lack the motivation.

I'll admit to feeling a little odd about the whole testing situation. It's my last year in public education, most likely, and I've come to realize that, around here, the testing serves no real purpose. It is my professional opinion that the standardized test data should inform instruction, instead of just giving an arbitrary score. The way we test, value added analysis (where we can track a single student's progress from year to year) is mathematically impossible. I think that's one of the most valuable pieces of information a standardized test can give because it allows the teacher to see how the students progress in the course of a year. You still have other factors at play, but it can show some trends in student performance. The other thing I don't get from our state department is an accounting of how my students do by standard. I would be very interested to see which standards my students as a whole aren't on target for, because then I could adjust my instruction to cover these elements more thoroughly. Of course, I don't believe in teaching to a test, but I do see that teachers AND STUDENTS need to be held accountable for a year's learning. The only efficient way I can see to do this is to test everyone. I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is comparing last year's 8th grade scores to this year's 8th grade scores. That's like comparing apples to oranges. I'm also not okay with the great mystery behind our test. I get why teachers can't read the test. Sadly, not everyone is ethical. But why can't teachers be allowed to sit for a sample test in all the subject areas they teach? If the kids know what they should know, and I teach what I should teach, why the smoke and mirrors???

That's my rant. I'm done now--and so is standardized testing! I do think it's interesting how my mindset is beginning to shift from seeing just how my individual classroom works to how education in general works--and what doesn't work--and what I can do to enact some positive change. As I start this Ph.D., that's going to be something I need to constantly keep in front of me. Tomorrow is Friday, and we're moving into the end of the school year. I'm a little sad, especially when my babies have adult-like conversations with me about their future, or mine. I love it when they have adult-like conversations. It makes me feel like I've done something positive in their lives when they come to me to talk and share something of themselves.

Starting Out

Well, this is my very first blog post, so I suppose I should explain why it even exists.  I am a middle school English teacher born and bred in the South--in the deep, deep South.  I'll be leaving the land of sweet tea and deep-fried...well, everything....in August and heading north to begin my Ph.D.

It's been quite a year (as a teacher, I tend to see years in terms of school years), and the next five years are going to be an adventure.  I'm hoping to keep my family and friends involved in this process as I move across the country, but I'd also like to open this up to people who I don't yet know.  To that end, I'm planning on keeping this blog anonymous, but I'm anxious to hear any constructive comments!