Gah.

I have this student. I'll call him Dean. He's a smart kid--witty and engaging. He contributes to class discussions, sometimes with an off-the-wall comment, but always something that turns out to be productive. But I just can't reach him. He's not a good writer, and I'm not entirely sure he's ready for this university, but I've reached more difficult cases before. I've had kids who didn't have his intelligence or personality become successful writers. Last week, I really thought I was making progress. He has turned in several assignments late, and wasn't going to get credit for one of them. I asked him to stay after class, but he left early. So I decided to email him. Four drafts later, I sent the email. He should be glad he didn't see that first draft! It was a little harsh. Heck, the fourth draft was still, shall we say, direct. He just isn't going to pass unless he pulls himself together. He stayed after class the next day and we had a chat. It went really well! He seemed to understand the stakes and why I wasn't pleased with his work so far. I also communicated to him how much I appreciated his contribution to our class. All in all, it was a very positive meeting. He assured me that he was going to make more of an effort, and like a rank amateur, I believed him.

The next week, he turned a final draft in that can only be described as gibberish. I'm not even sure what he was writing about, nor am I sure what assignment he was responding to. It certainly wasn't the one I wrote! It was so off-base that I couldn't even grade it (I've never had this problem before...not even when my high school seniors thought "Hank the Cow Dog" was fine literature). I wrote a note at the top, asking him to revise and resubmit for grading. I'm really upset. He's the kind of kid that isn't motivated by low grades or pep talks, and by the time I figured that out, it was halfway through the semester and he was already not doing well. I was really hoping that this was the paper where I could give him a somewhat higher grade, which might motivate him a little to finish out the semester strong.

He didn't show up to class today.

You know, I thought that teaching college would put some distance between me, my students, and their failures, but it hasn't. I still take it so personally. I teach. They learn. If I teach and they don't learn, was that teaching? Dean is the kind of kid who needs the opportunity education can provide him, and I desperately want him to take advantage of it. I'm without the "troops" I used to deploy as a middle/high school teacher--coaches, parents, principals...I feel like I've thrown him lifeline after lifeline and he'd just rather drown because grabbing hold is just too much effort. I hate it when one of my students chooses to fail. It makes me feel like I've failed.

Love. This.

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been moving, starting classes, and getting settled into life as a first-year Ph.D. student. Boy! What an adjustment it has been! It's a happy adjustment, but a big one nevertheless. I'm taking two graduate courses, one in grammar and one in linguistics, so I've been pretty inundated with "language talk," but it is absolutely fascinating. I'm learning so much about how we learn and teach language, and much of it I wish I had known as a schoolteacher. For example, this week in my linguistics course we learned about genre (in the linguistical sense, which is ever-so-slightly different than the normal sense), and the ways that we can find patterns in what we read. If I had known how to point these patterns out to my less fluent readers and had the tools to teach them how to look for those patterns in their reading, I really think it would have helped them understand what they read. It's also teaching me some interesting things about how we teach writing, but I'm still puzzling all of that out.

I LOVE my grammar class. I was very nervous about it, because I feel like I don't know much about the structure of (what I now know is called) prescriptive grammar, but the class is really about understanding patterns in the language and recognizing language change in progress as it is happening all around us. I've discovered some really interesting things about the history of grammar and dictionaries and English itself. I hated History of the English language in college, and now I can't wait to take it. Turns out? Split infinitives? Not even really an English grammar rule--it was actually a Latin grammar rule that some people decided to put in English because Latin was "smart." The professor is brilliant, and I'm really excited to go to class every day. I know. I'm a dork. It's okay. This is my job now--I finally figured out how to read for a living!

I'm also teaching one class of freshman-level writing. My students are smart, and they try hard, and they engage with me and our course materials. My only complaint is that class simply isn't long enough! I mean, it amazes me. I ask them to do work, which I have no intention of grading, but will add to their education. They know I have no intention of grading it, and yet they do it anyway. Stunning. I've never seen anything like it. Sometimes, I'm not quite sure how to respond. They're really great kids, too. The writing department at the school is very supportive and gave us some great training...the training was so good I wish I'd had it before I started teaching writing to high schoolers.

I still have moments when I experience what they call "imposter syndrome," but they're fewer and farther between. I've been invited to work on a pretty major project with my program director. It's a book series for a national organization, and it's going to be a lot of work, but my name will be on the title page! I've also found a fantastic church here, and joined their grad student/young professionals group. The people are so nice, and they're always doing something, which is awesome! I'm also (randomly) learning ballroom dance. Because everyone needs a hobby.

Soooo Intimidated

I've been thinking about (translation: putting off) writing my course description for about a month now, and when this week started I realized it was July already and officially time to do something about it. I gave myself a deadline of, well, today to complete the stupid thing. I know, I know, it's not stupid. I've just been so intimidated by the very idea of writing a course description for a college class that I honestly didn't know where to begin. Then I made the mistake of reading everyone else's. Not a good plan. I took a break, but eventually it just had to be written.

So, I'm done with it now, and I'm just not sure what I think about it. Compared to the others I read it's terribly simplistic--no academic jargon in sight--and I'm worried that if that's the norm mine is going to look childish. On the other hand, I need to be true to my identity as an educator, and I wholeheartedly believe simple is the way to go. My dad has always said that the mark of genius is not taking the simple and making it complex, but taking the complex and making it simple. I know this is the first thing my students will see, so I want to make sure they have an accurate understanding of what the course will be like. Yikes! Now I'm getting a little bit neurotic about it. So, here's what I will do. I'm going to post it below. If it sucks, please tell me now. It can still be changed. If it doesn't suck, I'd really like to know that too! The first paragraph is what I'm required to say. Everything else is all me.

This writing course focuses on the creation of complex, analytic, well-supported arguments that matter in academic contexts. Students work closely with their peers and the instructor to develop their written prose. Readings cover a variety of different genres and academic disciplines.

Simply put, the goal for this class is to help you become a better writer. We will accomplish this goal by exploring how "good" writers operate and how we develop arguments in an academic setting as we explore the theme "The Power of Words and Thought." You can expect to complete various small writing assignments and four formal essays during the course of the semester. You will need to prepare some out-of-class reading, and we will workshop our essays together as we focus on revision and the writing process. The culmination of the course will be your writing portfolio, where you will have the opportunity to showcase your best work.

So. There it is. I have something, even if only a rough draft (or, as many of my students in Texas called them, a "ruft draft"). I always tell my students that beginning is the hardest part, and I guess it's true today in more ways than one. This is really my first task as a Ph.D. student and I'm still not totally convinced that I have the skills to do this. Maybe once I build up some momentum I'll feel more like I can do this.