Progress and Becoming...

I'm wrapping up this semester (and yes, posting on the blog is one of the ways I procrastinate) and thinking about this school year. One of the beautiful (and terrifying) things about my program is that we have to write an exam after our second year that "theorizes our learning." It's my opportunity to take my life experiences and my scholarly experiences and synthesize them to produce the thing I'll be spending the next three years of my life on. It's an invented genre of writing, so I spend a fair amount of time thinking to myself, "what in the world does this look like? Where do I begin?" But amidst all of that questioning is a genuine excitement about this paper that is growing stronger and stronger as the semester draws to a close.

I had my annual meeting with my program's co-chairs a couple of weeks ago, and the Hawk said some really great things about how she's seen me progress from situating myself as a teacher to situating myself as a scholar this year and how important that transition is. I actually connected this moment to a spiritual truth I'm beginning to understand, but I'll get around to explaining that later. I've begun to notice a change in my academic life too. When I realized that I was interested in language ideology and the classroom, I called my dad, who listened to me babble and then said, "But that will make you a linguist, right?" Uh oh. I came here with zero background in linguistics. Zero. As the Hawk said, my interests were ahead of my coursework (and I appreciated the oh-so-positive spin on "you're not prepared for this" she offered), so I've spent most of this year trying to catch up. And catch up I have. This week, I asked a question in class that the prof connected back to a theory of language we haven't addressed this semester. But I actually understood his answer and was able to engage in a scholarly conversation that extended the class discussion. I think I'm getting there. My first exam is still not approved, but once I finish writing the thousands of papers I have due in the next week (oh, come on, just because I don't teach literature anymore doesn't mean I can't use hyperbole!), I'm submitting a new draft. This is going to happen. If I can't write a paper that makes them happy, I'll outlast them. At some point, they'll give in and approve it. That's right. I'm using sheer tenacity to progress through a PhD program. Hard-headedness has to be good for something, right?

I spent this year researching for the Eagle instead of teaching, and I have really mixed feelings about it. I miss teaching. A lot. Even on my bad teaching days I know that it's a place where I'm capable and competent, and I don't feel that way about most of my work! I miss seeing my students understand and feeling like I'm able to have a positive impact on their experiences. I started tutoring high school students to fill the gap, which has given me great joy. They are wonderful kids. They're high achievers, and I really enjoy finding ways to show them how much fun English can be. I'm such a word nerd. It's all the best aspects of teaching, without the paperwork and bureaucracy. The research, though, has been a good experience for me, because now I've seen firsthand how this process works and I'm able to enter into conversations without sounding like a complete idiot. I don't feel like I offer as much to the planning and execution as my research partner C, but her interests are firmly seated in what we're doing and mine aren't, really.

I'm planning a "year in review" writing day sometime in the near future. I used to do that when I was teaching, and it's a really nice way to honestly examine the choices I'm making and how those choices are working for me--professionally and personally. I think I'll post it here, because I don't mind the transparency. It's a good thing.